Friday, September 30, 2005

Lost and Found

EXT. DAY

We are looking down on an afternoon cookout behind a beautiful well-kept house. There are ten or twelve adult couples talking in small groups, and 15 or 20 children playing around and in an in-ground pool. One boy holds a smaller boy while a third boy shoots him in the face with a Super Soaker. A parent shouts at the shooter and it stops...eventually. A handsome middle-aged man in his late thirties (MIKE) is flipping hamburgers on the grill. He looks down on a small Boston Terrier that is sitting with military attention staring at MIKE'S hand as it re-arranges the burgers. A boy (MIKE JR.) is on the diving board.

MIKE JR.
(screaming)

Mom! Watch this!

ANN, an attractive woman in her mid-thirties looks over at her son as he does a front flip off the diving board.

ANN
(clapping)

Perfect! Do it again with your eyes open.

She gets out of her chair and walks over to her husband MIKE at the grill.

ANN

Do you need any help honey?

MIKE

I'm good. Human beings eat in five
minutes. Dogs eat when they want.

He flips a huge burger off the grill and into the open mouth of the Terrier. The chewing lasts a couple of seconds and the dog's stare returns to the grill.

ANN
(laughing)

You are cleaning up the mess later.

A beautiful eight year old girl (MEGAN) opens the back door of the house from the inside. Her head is down and she is playing a Gameboy.

MEGAN
(yelling)

Mom...the phone. It's for you.

ANN

Who is it dear?

MEGAN
(shrugs)

Dunno.

ANN
(annoyed)

As God is my witness I will never
subscribe to that newspaper. Even if it
were the last newspaper in the world.

MIKE
(laughing)

It's got a great sports page.

ANN gives her husband a stern look and starts towards the house. She looks over her shoulder at MIKE.

ANN

That dog is going to explode and
ruin my party and you are going to
sleep on the couch until the day after
I subscribe to that fucking newspaper.

MIKE
(looking down)

Did you hear that SPARKY? You just went on
a diet.

ANN passes her daughter who is hovering in the doorway of the house.

ANN

Megan please put that thing down and go
swimming. Your poor Daddy slaves all day
so you and I and your brother can go
underwater whenever we want. Please.

MEGAN

I hate swimming. Besides Fathead is in
the pool and when he's in the pool I'm
not.

MEGAN follows her Mother into the kitchen.

INT. DAY

ANN walks across the kitchen and picks up the phone.

ANN

Hello.

ANN

This is her.

At this point we watch as ANN'S expression changes from cheerful distraction to puzzlement.

ANN
(concerned)

Where? When?

ANN listens intently and a look of understanding spreads across her face.

ANN

That was a long time ago...I'm listening.

She turns to look out the kitchen window and she watches as her husband starts serving hamburgers to a line of dripping, pushing kids.

ANN
(troubled)

I can't come now. I have thirty...Yes I
do. I do. Alright I'll leave now. It will
take me a couple of hours...

ANN looks over at her daughter who has stopped playing the Gameboy and is watching her Mother.

ANN

I have to write that down. I don't
know Asheville at all.

ANN fumbles with the message pad and begins to write.

ANN

Ok. I'll be there as soon as I...hello?
hello?

ANN hangs up the phone and turns to face the wall.

MEGAN

Mom who was that?

ANN is startled. She turns and faces her young daughter.
ANN is clearly upset.

ANN

A family friend dear. Don't worry. I have
to go out for a little.

ANN fumbles with her keys and pocketbook.

MEGAN

What about them? Aren't you going to tell
Dad?


ANN

Tell your Dad...Tell your Dad...

ANN shakes her head.

ANN

Tell him I'll be back as soon as I can.

ANN hurries through the house to the front door.

MEGAN

Mom?

MEGAN follows her Mother to the front door but there is no answer.

EXT. DAY

ANN gets into her car which is blocked in a circular driveway. She shimmies the car back and fourth until she can get the car out onto the lawn. She drives the car across the lawn, bouncing it through a drainage ditch and speeds down the road. We see MEGAN in the front door as she watches her Mother drive away.

INT. VEHICLE EVENING POV

This entire scene is shot from the point of view of the DRIVER of the van. The van rolls slowly down the street of a large city. It is not the best part of the city. We are in the Red Light. As the van moves down the street characters from the street offer the DRIVER their wares. Drugs and sex.

MONTAGE of hookers and dealers trying to interest the DRIVER.

HOOKER

I got what you need. You got what I
want. Let's make a deal baby.

DEALER

Man you don't even need to light my shit.
You just stand in the same city and you
are gone. etc.

The DRIVER/CAMERA shakes its head no as each supplicant comes up to the passenger window to sell. As the van rolls on the evening darkens. The women aren't as attractive. They are older...less energetic...sadder.
Eventually the women are replaced by young well-kept teenage boys. They make their pitches also but the DRIVER/CAMERA always shakes his head no. We are now in the part of the city where only desperate souls go. Here the teenage boys are dirty, and clearly hooked on a variety of mood/tempo altering drugs. One young boy (about 16) approaches the van and we can feel the van slow.

ADAM

Hey you looking for company? I mean are
looking for anything? Anything! I just
need something...anything.

ADAM has been destroyed by life. Somewhere in his dirty face is the ghost of a handsome boy. A high school quarterback.

ADAM

Come on man. I am good at some things.
You wouldn't regret it. Fifty bucks.
$40. Please I need...

ADAM is walking along with the van as it moves down the street. He stumbles and dissappears from the window. His face reappears.

ADAM
(desperate)

Thirty bucks and you can do what you
want to me.

The van stops moving. A VOICE we haven't heard yet says
"Get in." ADAM looks in both directions. Looks straight at the CAMERA. He sighs and gets in.

ADAM

Thanks man. I know where to go.

The CAMERA/DRIVER turns forward to face the dim streets. The van moves forward quickly as the scene fades to black.

EXT. EVENING FADE IN FROM BLACK

This entire scene is a slow tracking shot that starts close on the face of ANN and eventually goes to black 100 feet in the air. We are CU on the face of ANN. Her eyes are closed. Her expression is neutral. As the camera tracks upward we see more of ANN. It is soon clear that she is naked. We see she is lying on the ground in the woods. We see what appears to be a deep wound in her chest near her heart. As the camera tracks back more we see ADAM lying beside her. He is turned slightly into her body. His head is near her breasts. His eyes are closed also. There doesn't seem to be any wounds on him. The camera continues its slow rise. All of both bodies are in view. They are both completely nude. We see a figure dressed in dark clothes standing over the pair. The figure is holding something to his face, looking down at the pair. A camera flash goes off. The POV rises slowly through the branches of some trees. Another camera flash. The POV tracks by a crow that is looking down on the entire scene. Another flash. The POV is fifty feet in the air. Another flash. One hundred feet. Another flash. Finally all we see as the camera rises is a distant flash in a circle of blackness. Then fade to complete black.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Calamari for life.

Giant Squid have eyeballs 10 inches across. This is a pre-exaggoman number. If people on the bus tomorrow start whispering in your ear that they are bigger than beach balls, and can see sailors playing blackjack on submarines you'll know I couldn't control myself.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Stones in Pittsburgh. Dylan in the Air.

Did you see Paul Martino (Channel 2 Action News) stick his microphone in Ronnie Woods face and ask him how long he was going to rock? R.W. was actually speechless and he got a confused look on his face like he was seeing an alien. Then he smiled, shrugged and said Until I drop??? like he was contestant giving an answer on Jeopardy.

Did you see the Dylan film?

Paul it's only an electric guitar. Do not be afraid.
Paul it's an electric guitar. Run for your life.

Great movie. I can't wait for Apple to invent a time machine. I'm setting mine for Albert Hall 1966...and I ain't taking Paul.

Intelligent Design My Ass

All you have to do is look at those two lump-a-zoids sleeping down at the end of my bed to know there is no such thing.

Oh sure the whiskers are mostly in the designated whisker region. I guess you'd call those things in the back tails. And every once in a while a furball does seem to explode from one or the other like it says in the manual...but to call that Intelligent Design is delusional.

Then again you have Evolution standing over there in the corner in his red cape, with his laser pointer saying, Don't look at me. I tried to get rid of cats a long time ago. Me I like the Horseshoe Crab for an indoor pet...

Hmmmmmm? Think. Kent. Think. Ok. Some of us evolved... and some of us got accidently left by careless space aliens when they were here building the Pyramids and inventing Pole Vaulting.
This would explain G.W. talking in riddles, cats, and why Ralph Fiennes is dating a 61 year old woman. What else is there to expain?

Teach that Mississippi.

Monday, September 26, 2005

So Sorry

After losing two close games tonight I decided to play the third game for World Peace.

So now you know who to blame. Sorry.

My opponent became so depressed when I told him what his victory meant that I was able to win game four and I expect Diane Lane will be arriving in Pittsburgh sometime tomorrow.

Hope she doesn't forget her flak-jacket.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

I'm So Proud (Maybe)

I just did my first training run for the 2006 Pittsburgh Marathon. Fingers crossed...nine months from today I will give birth to a bouncy ten-fingered, twelve-toed Baby Marathon. (The extra toes couldn't hurt on a Baby Marathon. I've heard those tiny outside toes usually snap off around mile 18.)

The problem is that the Pittsburgh Marathon is only seven and a half months away. Which means my marathon is going to be premature...I guess I shouldn't be having Baby Marathons at my age.

Huh?

Friday, September 23, 2005

Lets Get Inside!

Many of you have emailed complaining about the use of initials in the National Enquirer blurb. I think I have figured them out. Here are some clues.

Paul Pitt

Brad Bunyon

Angelina Anniston

Jennifer Jolie


Have at it Puzzlers! And as always Good Luck.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Reviews Are In!

"a solid hit!"
" a blockbuster with blockbuster written all over it!"
"a magical journey into the mind of a legend in his own mind!"
"joyous!...exhilirating!...peculiar!"
"a nipple-twisting carnival ride of hilarity!"

Wireless Magazine says,
"The Return of Exaggoman" answers all the questions posed in "Goodbye Exxaggoman" and more. Exaggoman is the Bloggasauraus Rex of the Blogga-Sphere. Don't ever stop blogging E-Man...When can we get the Exaggoman Action Figure?

My brother the banker says,
I was going to ruin his credit but then I remembered that Mom never wanted him around, and I started feeling sorry for the little twerp. So keep up the good work little brother and this year I'm going to let you hit the stuffing first...not!

The National Enquirer says,
The man lives with two three-legged cats, a blue ox and a giant disco ball. Sometimes late at night a monstrous six foot cigar with a glowing orange tip is seen sticking out the kitchen window. He casts no reflection in a mirror and people fall in love instantly when he shoots them with a little bow and arrow he always carries on his belt. His love life is a mystery but they say B.P. and A.J. are fighting over him and J.A. has mysteriously stopped crying.
They say P.B. wants his blue ox back but he's afraid to ask....

Exaggoman man says
Stay tuned. Peace out.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Dog Dream

I love Grace.
Grace is an Irish Setter.
Most living creatures are molecules.
Grace is an electron.
As an electron Grace can't really be bothered learning stupid dog tricks.
She was born to run.
Usually in tight or looping circles.
Let her go in a field or in the woods and she runs as if she is searching for the most important thing in the world.
She would run right past it whatever it is.
Finding it would just be another stupid dog trick to Grace.
It's the running that counts.
And Grace runs until she can't.

I saw a show on television about a time when Irish Setters ruled and roamed the planet.
There were Thousands of Irish Setters in packs of twenty or 30 running in circles on the Great Plains of North America and the Savannah's of Eastern Africa.
When one pack circled too close to another there were horrible yelping collisions and for a moment the circles fell apart.
But just for a moment.
The wobblys either jumped up, and returned to their circle, or they lay on the ground not moving as the circle tightened and moved away.
Look over there. The Lions head moves back and forth watching….wondering…and finally repulsed by the waste of energy.
And look over there. A pack of Setters have just run up the tail of a grazing Brontosaurus, over the hump, off the Volkswagen head and into the woods.

The older I get the more I enjoy the sheer madness of an Irish Setter running.
The older I get the more I realize that it's the running that counts.
Not the finding.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The Loop (three years later)

Thanks to Mark and Laurie for showing me the lines. If it wasn't for them I would still be circling Donut Hole saying to myself "what is it?"
Their leadership techniques are slightly different...
Laurie: "What's the worst that could happen?"
Mark: "You could die! Follow me!"
But it's a nice combination..and it worked. I managed to stay on the non-fish side of the time/space continuum.
My only question is why call it Cucumber? Why not call it "I Got Lucky?"
Or "The Big Stinky Monkey" or at the least "Satan's Cucumber."
I know "Cool Hand Cuke!"
I guess we just have a failure to communicate....

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Cat Milk Cheese

I have been losing at R-Ball a lot in the last week. And I have run out of excuses. So...

I told my opponent that one of my best milkers had died and my production of Cat Milk Cheese is way down.

Without my Cat Milk Cheese I am but a shadow.

He was sympathetic and recalled a time in the late 90's when he couldn't get squirrel tongues anywhere.

(Note to self. There is a casserole recipe crying out to be born somewhere in this blog.)

Thursday, September 08, 2005

God bless him.

I am not a survivalist because I don't think I would. But I do believe this country is one bad sneeze away from total chaos.
I fight with my brother at family reunions. My brother is rich banker. He lives in a mansion in a gated community. I ask him what will happen when the last middle class family in America vanishes.
Every year since King Bush took office America has seen 1 million more people added to the official list of the poor. Six million people in 6 years. The middle class is slowly trickling down into WalMarts and McDonalds.
I ask my brother if he truly thinks the have nots will leave him be behind his puny gate. And then to make him mad I ask, "Why should they?"
I ask him if he will kill to keep his wooden ducks and his garden of SUV's.
I don't think we will ever know the madness and mayhem that exploded in Mississippi in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. The flood will hide a thousand secrets. But one thing is clear. It doesn't take much for the wheels to come off and when they do it's the guy with the bad teeth that can cook a snake like a marshmallow that's going to be king. God bless him.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Someone spank us.....

Do you ever get the feeling there are no adults in America?

I just got a pop up advertising Russian brides...

The problem with Russian brides is eventually they learn English.

I'm pretty sure I'm not an adult.

Are Russian men getting pop ups about American women?

Would an American women even bother learning Russian?

We all need a good spanking.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Screwed!

I drove 3007 miles for work in the month of August. And another 550 for myself. I am __________!