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I am sitting on a piece of explosive news. I think it is possible that less than 1000 people on the planet know what I am about to tell you. Someone....something, has added an extra D to the alphabet.

I know what you are thinking. What's the big deal? ABCDDEFG...I can handle that. I'll just use one D for Dog and the other for Donkey. No big deal. Right? D is D...Well what if I told you that the extra D was added to the alphabet between the S and the T. That does complicate things a bit. The question becomes, when do I use the C flavored D and when do I use the S flavored D? Do these Ds sound the same? Is the new D a silent D? Are we supposed to trill all D words now? D-DanD-Delion. D-dermatologist. D-dermott.

And how about a word like doddering? Will the two Ds from the same zipcode on the alphabet get together and bully the stand alone D? Will we have to spell dodder with 4 Ds? Ddodder. So as to be politically correct? Will people have favorite Ds and will the bad Ds fans always have to take off their shoes in airports? Or what if the two Ds get together and try to suffocate B? And what about letter/gender issues? If it turns out that the new D is the same sex as the old D will they even be allowed in the same word? I'm sure you are all thinking of questions and potential problems.

The good news is that our President has a plan and is going on network television tonight. He is expected tell us where Homeland Security thinks the new D came from. At this point they have it narrowed down to either a volcano in Iraq or a crystal meth lab in Akron, Ohio. No matter where it came from the President will announce plans for the immediate extermination of the rogue D. The President is expected to urge calm and encourage chalkboard vigilance in schools across the country. First graders caught doubling their Ds will be gently warned. Fifth graders will be encouraged to be team players. Errant high school students will be relocated to same sex farms in the countryside where their "complete" reeducation will begin.

As you can imagine our President is quite annoyed with the prospect of learning new pronunciations for words with the letter D included. I expect historians will look back on tonight's speech and note with amazement the D-less nature of the speech. The new D will be described as tricky and sneaky but not deceptive and devilish. Liberal spin doctors are expected to announce this D "problem" as the letter that broke the Elephant's back and allowed the newly named Zemocratic party to sweep back into power in the mid-term elections of 2006.

My only hope is that tonight's speech doesn't set off panic buying of the old alphabet or drive the price of Chinese characters so high that no one will be afford decent Kanji tattoos. Stay tuned.